FLYING THE FRIENDLY SKIES

As most of you know, I travel A LOT. All work related so I'm not what you would call living the jetsetting life or anything, but nonetheless I fly A LOT.

So, there I am on my plane - coach section - aisle seat (one of the small pleasures of being a frequent flier - VERY small.) A woman is seated in the middle seat - cause you know planes are FULL these days. They stuff people in bathroom stalls, and coffee pots to maximize capacity. Apparently the bathroom stalls are considered first class.

But I digress...

My middle-seat mate is an average sized woman who has absolutely NO CONCEPT of PERSONAL SPACE. And on top of that she is a complete IDIOT.

Am I just being judgmental? Perhaps I'm just burned out on travel? No. Because unlike half of those business travelers, I'm a relatively low maintenance roll-with-the-punches kind of traveler.

So, let me tell you about this woman...

First she sits down with both of her bags and tries to stuff them under her seat. When she realizes that isn't going to work she gets up and puts one in the overhead storage. Then she sits back down and buckles in. Then she has to get back up because she forgot something. Then she sits back down. Then she has to use the restroom before the plane takes off. Then she sits back down.

OK - ready for takeoff.

We've been in the air about two minutes and apparently the laws of physics are different for her because she expands. I don't know where the additional mass comes from but now she cannot contain her arms, shoulders or knees within her space. Or feet. Her feet are sprawled into my space. MY SPACE!

Now airline space is small but I'm very territorial. But she keeps coming into MY SPACE. This is going to be a LONG flight.

So I attempt to settle into my magazine and have my headphones on and am just praying for the next 5 hours to go quickly. Cause you know we have to stop in Phoenix which is right on the way to Seattle. (Airline logic - go figure...)

So Dingbat (as she is soon to be named) whips out her laptop (which also seems to have greater mass than any normal laptop) and opens up. I'm trying not to pay attention. Dingbat is fiddling with something.

Waiting...

Click click click. Wait...

Click click click - this is going on for about 10 minutes.

I finally look over.

SHE IS TRYING TO CONNECT TO THE INTERNET. IDIOT!!!

So I watch this continue for a few more moments (because I'm not one of those people that believes that wireless access is going to bring down the plane, and frankly it's just humorous) and then I finally say, "um, you know you are supposed to being using wireless up here?" And I'm thinking "you are an IDIOT as the closest Internet access is about 4 miles - down."

So, sadly she puts her laptop away and just kind of sits there (continually expanding) and it dawns on me. She brought nothing else to do because she was just going to surf the net while she was up there.

I can't even begin to explain my bruised ribs (from her continual expansion and restlessness), the curvature of my spine (due to the inability to sit upright during my flight - I was forced to lean left due to her ever increasing expansion into my space) and the inability to catch any sleep due to her needing to get up and down at least 20 times during the trip.

So we get to Phoenix everyone gets off. When I got back on to continue my trip - there she was.

Just before takeoff I notice an empty seat in another row.

You know I took it.