SCARING THE CRAP OUT OF CHILDREN IS FUN!

Perhaps I shouldn't feel that good about making small children burst into tears but then I think - hey, how many times have I been on an airplane with a small child screaming in my ear? Then I don't feel so bad. Is that wrong??

Let me explain.

Last night was Halloween and as I consider it a "National Fuckin' Holiday" I like to celebrate in style. Friends of ours do a "haunted house" type of trick or treat event and this year we participated in the pandemonium.

Their house sits on a corner lot and has a set of wide stairs that open up onto a large, covered porch on the left. The yard was hauntingly decorated by a series of tombstones some true - Peter Jennings - some only wishes - Paris Hilton (OK - perhaps just my dream...) but you get the picture. The yard also contained a corpse wearing saddle shoes (a 1950's cheerleader?)



The steps leading up to the house had a black coffin (complete with live body). When you got to the top of the steps you were greeted by bloody smears and spider webs, creepy music and black lights. Off to the right was a rocking chair (with live "corpse") sitting next to the candy cauldron which contained a mechanical hand that was sound activated. On the floor was yet another corpse and a dark shrouded figure (my friend Adrienne).

To add to the ambiance - like we needed an addition - was a fog machine, two dry ice tubs also generating fog of sorts, and various other live, yet gruesome creatures directing you towards candy or in some cases just reaching out towards you. Oh - and don't let me forget the knocking under the porch boards or the person standing in the window behind the candy cauldron screaming "just take the candy!" as a small child stretched their hand into the cauldron's darkness.

Well let me tell you...children screamed, adults screamed, dogs screamed - er - barked - it was a blast. However, don't get the impression we were totally heartless. We were very nice and quiet to small children and I often came down from the porch to wish them a "Happy Halloween" and give them a few sugary sweets (if only to torture their parents later).

Hundreds of children came by and - yes - five or six actually burst into tears in front of the house. Another five or six once they made it to the porch. We even saw more than one family pass us by completely while ushering their children along swiftly. We were reprimanded by one parent because his daughter began to cry. Of course I'm thinking - hey - it's not like you didn't know this was going on! His children probably even have a Playstation and a direct link to FX courtesy of good ole "protective" dad.

Nonetheless, a very large majority of the kids just had a great time getting the crap scared out of them. And I had a great time scaring the crap out of them. All in all a successful evening.

We had one boy in particular, small framed, perhaps nine years old, that was impeccably dressed like Louis Farrakhan in a three piece suit and bow tie. After the urging of his older brother who had made it through our haunted maze, he came up the steps (I was at the top) and began to negotiate with me. Yes, you read that correctly - negotiate.

His two minute speech to me went something like this:

him: "Now you gotta tell them not to scare me...I can't be scared...I just had a heart attack [gesturing to the coffin below]...I got disabilities!"

Now, I didn't get the kid's name but I'm thinking - that boy has got to go into politics!

He proceeded to negotiate his way across the rest of the porch - telling the "corpses", the cobwebs and the cauldron this fact until he plunged his arm into the cauldron and emerged victorious. I don't think he screamed but walked very quickly and as I like to say "tight cheeked" back off of the porch to continue on his way.

Yep - THAT boy is our future President.

Ahhhh...I LOVE Halloween!!