MY NAME IS NOT DENISE

My husband and I purchased a house last year and subsequently had to change our home phone number with the move to a new area. With as many phone numbers that are distributed these days, it’s a wonder that we received one with an area code and exchange native to our location. With all of the strange area codes around, I’m scared that making an auto service appointment is going to cost me $1.95 per minute. 

This means that I recognize that we are probably not the first people to have owned our phone number, and perhaps won’t be the last, unless, they retire our number because we are SO awesome, a la Dale Hunter. But, that probably won’t happen.

So, I shouldn’t be surprised when we get calls for someone named Denise. 

Let me tell you about Denise (whose last name shall go without mention lest I be sued for defamation of character.) Denise is a deadbeat. Denise doesn’t pay her bills and she has a LOT of bills. Denise’s bill collectors are RUDE. Denise probably kicked puppies although I’ve been unable to prove this. 

But there are a few strange things I’ve noticed about the new culture of collections:

1. Phones are dialed electronically and when you answer them, you have to say “hello” 14 times before someone responds. Sometimes they don’t respond at all.
2. Sometimes it is an auto-message that says something to this effect: “Your account is seriously delinquent. Please call us at 1-800-blah blah blah with case number blah blah blah to take care of this issue.” This would then require me, who is NOT Denise, to call them to ask them to quit calling. Why should I have to do that?
3. Or sometimes it is an ACTUAL person that wonders why you are answering Denise’s phone while claiming NOT to know Denise. Then you politely explain that this is your NEW phone number and no longer Denise’s, and that you wish to have your number removed from her record. And I love when after explaining all of that, they ask if you know what Denise’s new number is or where she moved to.

Let me explain. We do not know Denise. Never knew Denise. Denise did not live in our house. Phone numbers do not transfer with homes. We have no way of knowing where Denise is or ever was for that matter. Or why she doesn’t pay her bills. But yet they continue to call.

Oh, and then there was the issue with caller ID with third party phone companies. Now, when I call my family my father answers the phone “Hi Denise!”

Not funny.

Although, perhaps I should ask him if he knows where Denise is?

Denise, if you are reading this I implore you! Please call these companies and update your contact info STAT!