GOLFING AT ITS FINEST

Do you golf? Have you ever been to a course where you are constantly held up by the people in front of you? Those people that aren't dressed according to etiquette? Aren't playing according to the rules? Aren't even keeping score? Those people that actually throw the golf ball to make up for the fact that it went so badly out of bounds?

Er, well, that was us. And I apologize. Unless of course you yelled at us and then I don't apologize. Golf is a GAME you idiots! You are supposed to have FUN!

But let me start at the beginning.

It was a beautiful Monday in October and I had the day off. My husband texts to ask, "Want to play golf today?" And off we go!

I've had four golf lessons that recently occurred over a period of about 2 months. I still have yet to get in the fifth to complete the package (and actually PLAY). I've seen a golf course and I actually walked to the putting green of a hole. Mostly, I've been hitting at the range.

My husband's golf experience on the other hand includes driving a golf cart and drinking on the course. I think he swung at a few balls once.

Needless to say, we both stink.

So on this sunny day we head out to our local county 9-hole course with a set of borrowed women's clubs and a bunch of balls. We walked in a got a tee-time and a bag of tees that were near the register. (They looked familiar and I felt that at one point we would need them.)

After washing our balls (hee hee, we said "balls") extensively and figuring out where to get a map and a score card, we embarked upon our journey to the first hole.

"Where IS the first hole?" we lamented from the starting point. (I might add that point was the red line for ladies and beginners.) We couldn't see it. After consulting a map we figured out that it was around the corner and in between a sand trap and a small lake.

Now, ski resorts have the Bunny Hill for beginners. A hole between a lake and a sand trap is NOT the equivalent of a Bunny Hill. Isn't the first hole supposed to be easy?? What kind of game is this???

Not to be discouraged we smacked the hell out of our balls (hee hee, I said "balls" again) and hit every tree, sand trap and lake within view. Six balls later, we just picked them up and threw them at the hole. The people behind us were probably not amused as we were holding them up.

And so the day went on.

We learned a lot!

Such as:
1) The sand in the boxes along the way is not for bathroom shy feral cats or stubbing out your cigarettes, but rather for filling divots.

2) Apparently EACH player is supposed to have their own golf bag. (I protest this, as that would have meant that I would have had to carry a golf bag.)

3) You should bring along about 100 tees as you will break each and every one of them. However, if you look hard enough, you can use the discarded remnants left by other players. It is a very MacGyver way to golf.

4) You should not actually aim for the water OR the sand as apparently it makes it difficult to continue using the same ball for the entire game.

5) You should use golf clubs that are long enough for you. Unless of course, golfing from the prayer position serves double duty.

6) When doing poorly it is OK to throw the ball.

7) It is always funny to say "balls".

So there you have it. Next time you are at the course and see an inappropriately dressed 40-something couple playing bad golf, be sure to stop by and say "hi" and please be patient. We still suck.

Oh, and BALLS! :-)