Observations of the Amused

2012-02-09T16:02:00.006-05:00

MY NAME IS NOT DENISE

My husband and I purchased a house last year and subsequently had to change our home phone number with the move to a new area. With as many phone numbers that are distributed these days, it’s a wonder that we received one with an area code and exchange native to our location. With all of the strange area codes around, I’m scared that making an auto service appointment is going to cost me $1.95 per minute.

This means that I recognize that we are probably not the first people to have owned our phone number, and perhaps won’t be the last, unless, they retire our number because we are SO awesome, a la Dale Hunter. But, that probably won’t happen.

So, I shouldn’t be surprised when we get calls for someone named Denise.

Let me tell you about Denise (whose last name shall go without mention lest I be sued for defamation of character.) Denise is a deadbeat. Denise doesn’t pay her bills and she has a LOT of bills. Denise’s bill collectors are RUDE. Denise probably kicked puppies although I’ve been unable to prove this.

But there are a few strange things I’ve noticed about the new culture of collections:

Phones are dialed electronically and when you answer them, you have to say “hello” 14 times before someone responds. Sometimes they don’t respond at all.
Sometimes it is an auto-message that says something to this effect: “Your account is seriously delinquent. Please call us at 1-800-blah blah blah with case number blah blah blah to take care of this issue.” This would then require me, who is NOT Denise, to call them to ask them to quit calling. Why should I have to do that?
Or sometimes it is an ACTUAL person that wonders why you are answering Denise’s phone while claiming NOT to know Denise. Then you politely explain that this is your NEW phone number and no longer Denise’s, and that you wish to have your number removed from her record. And I love when after explaining all of that, they ask if you know what Denise’s new number is or where she moved to.

Let me explain. We do not know Denise. Never knew Denise. Denise did not live in our house. Phone numbers do not transfer with homes. We have no way of knowing where Denise is or ever was for that matter. Or why she doesn’t pay her bills. But yet they continue to call.

Oh, and then there was the issue with caller ID with third party phone companies. Now, when I call my family my father answers the phone “Hi Denise!”

Not funny.

Although, perhaps I should ask him if he knows where Denise is?

Denise, if you are reading this I implore you! Please call these companies and update your contact info STAT!

2011-11-10T13:45:00.006-05:00

DON’T JUST STAND THERE, DO SOMETHING!

I was at the office discussing the Penn State child abuse scandal with colleagues. Not unlike the rest of the world, everyone was horrified by what happened. But as we started to discuss the story in depth I realized that although it was a horrible story many of them admitted that they’d witnessed incidents (not as horrible, but bad) in which they had done nothing.

When I started probing why, it was always because of fear of retribution or getting involved with something they didn’t want to get involved in. Mike McQueary, at the time 28-years old and a former football player (read: not a small guy), witnessed a child being sexually abused. Actually saw it with his own two eyes and what did he do? He walked away from the incident and called his dad. Regardless of follow-up (or lack thereof) or intended plans, HE WALKED AWAY AND DID NOT STOP THE ABUSE. Who does that?!?!

It turns out, a lot of people.

Anecdotally over the years we’ve all read about incidents in which people stood around and watched a rape taking place, or domestic violence, or hit and run crimes but didn’t do anything.

Americans are supposed to be these awesome people who stand up for their rights, but apparently we’ve all turned into a bunch of whimpering sissies when it comes to actually stopping something bad from happening.

Where did all of this fear COME from?

Mike McQueary was apparently not too scared of being injured as he played football for years and I would hazard to guess, took a few good hits over time. He’s a big guy. Jerry Sandusky was in his late 50’s at the time and although also a big man, was NAKED in the shower. He did not have a gun (Well at least not in the weaponry sense) or any other weapon for that matter. McQueary could have taken that guy out in an instant and come to the rescue of that child. What the hell was he scared of?? Getting fired?? He would have been a HERO in that child’s eyes, and his parents and the community. You think a firing would be the end of the world?? WTF???

I’m no hero. I’m a 5’7” female with a minor amount of athleticism. I’ve no gun and I’m not trained in martial arts. But I am apparently not scared. I can count down a list of times that I have jumped in to stop something bad from happening:

1) With my friend Jacqui, came to the rescue of two MEN who were being mugged by other MEN.

2) Got into a fist fight with a man who stole my friend Caroline and my handbags. He got away but was arrested shortly afterwards. He was a serial mugger with over 50 crimes under his belt. He went to prison and I was responsible for his arrest and conviction.

3) With my husband stopped two men from carjacking/mugging at knifepoint a woman at the local Target parking lot.

4) By myself in front of a nightclub, inserted myself into a domestic violence situation and helped the woman to safety. (I did not know either of them.)

Those are the ones that pop into my mind. As a child I stopped random small acts of violence between children or between children and animals.

I don’t say this to get any kind of kudos. And there are, thankfully, others like me. But I mention these things to say, if I can do it, why can’t you?

The United States was once a community of doers. That’s why we are the country we are. Brave men and women in the military. Brave citizens who weren’t scared to take a stand. But, I don’t think we are anymore. Everybody runs off to bury their head in a hole.

“I didn’t want to get involved,” they say.

“I was scared they would come after me,” they declare.

“I was always taught to mind my own business,” they state.

“What if…?” they ask.

Well my answer to that is, if you don’t do something, who will? Our country is full of a bunch of simpering sissies and that makes me sad. If Mike McQueary had just DONE SOMETHING to stop that crime, that day this would be a much different story but it isn’t.

What in the hell are you ALL so afraid of??

2011-10-19T15:28:00.006-04:00

GOLFING AT ITS FINEST

Do you golf? Have you ever been to a course where you are constantly held up by the people in front of you? Those people that aren't dressed according to etiquette? Aren't playing according to the rules? Aren't even keeping score? Those people that actually throw the golf ball to make up for the fact that it went so badly out of bounds?

Er, well, that was us. And I apologize. Unless of course you yelled at us and then I don't apologize. Golf is a GAME you idiots! You are supposed to have FUN!

But let me start at the beginning.

It was a beautiful Monday in October and I had the day off. My husband texts to ask, "Want to play golf today?" And off we go!

I've had four golf lessons that recently occurred over a period of about 2 months. I still have yet to get in the fifth to complete the package (and actually PLAY). I've seen a golf course and I actually walked to the putting green of a hole. Mostly, I've been hitting at the range.

My husband's golf experience on the other hand includes driving a golf cart and drinking on the course. I think he swung at a few balls once.

Needless to say, we both stink.

So on this sunny day we head out to our local county 9-hole course with a set of borrowed women's clubs and a bunch of balls. We walked in a got a tee-time and a bag of tees that were near the register. (They looked familiar and I felt that at one point we would need them.)

After washing our balls (hee hee, we said "balls") extensively and figuring out where to get a map and a score card, we embarked upon our journey to the first hole.

"Where IS the first hole?" we lamented from the starting point. (I might add that point was the red line for ladies and beginners.) We couldn't see it. After consulting a map we figured out that it was around the corner and in between a sand trap and a small lake.

Now, ski resorts have the Bunny Hill for beginners. A hole between a lake and a sand trap is NOT the equivalent of a Bunny Hill. Isn't the first hole supposed to be easy?? What kind of game is this???

Not to be discouraged we smacked the hell out of our balls (hee hee, I said "balls" again) and hit every tree, sand trap and lake within view. Six balls later, we just picked them up and threw them at the hole. The people behind us were probably not amused as we were holding them up.

And so the day went on.

We learned a lot!

Such as:
1) The sand in the boxes along the way is not for bathroom shy feral cats or stubbing out your cigarettes, but rather for filling divots.

2) Apparently EACH player is supposed to have their own golf bag. (I protest this, as that would have meant that I would have had to carry a golf bag.)

3) You should bring along about 100 tees as you will break each and every one of them. However, if you look hard enough, you can use the discarded remnants left by other players. It is a very MacGyver way to golf.

4) You should not actually aim for the water OR the sand as apparently it makes it difficult to continue using the same ball for the entire game.

5) You should use golf clubs that are long enough for you. Unless of course, golfing from the prayer position serves double duty.

6) When doing poorly it is OK to throw the ball.

7) It is always funny to say "balls".

So there you have it. Next time you are at the course and see an inappropriately dressed 40-something couple playing bad golf, be sure to stop by and say "hi" and please be patient. We still suck.

Oh, and BALLS! :-)

2011-10-10T22:00:00.006-04:00

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU CAN DO TO MAKE THE LIFE OF ONE OR MANY ANIMALS BETTER?

Everyone has something they can do to improve the life of an animal - domestic or wild; big or small. What is that you can do today, to make it better tomorrow for one or more of them. And if you can do it tomorrow? Can you do it every day? Every week? Every month? EVERY YEAR?

Here's a thought. Eat just one meal, free of meat or animal byproducts. Just one. Just one day each week.

That small action (which probably included a fabulous alternative food) may have given you the opportunity to try something new.

That one action meant something different to that cow or chicken you were eyeballin'.

You decreased a need to consume meat. One animal will live better just one. And when you realize how easy it was to do that, and then how much longer it will take you to save two, or three, or more? When will we cease with the over consumption of animals?

Come on try! Just go one entire meal with out consuming the flesh of an animal. Just try. For me, please?

2011-08-16T22:46:00.005-04:00

CATS I HAVE LOVED (AND STILL DO!): FLUFF (& THE LBC)

Pets have always been an important part of my life. Rumor has it that my first word was "kitty" which is fitting. My world has been honored by a number of wonderful animals, and from each I have grown a little, learned a little and loved a lot.

Fluff came into my life about 11 years ago along with her side kick "The LBC" (The Little Black Cat). Fluff came from an awful animal hoarding situation in Loudon County long before shows like Hoarders was on. The story was that she was one of more than 100 cats left in a home after the owner had passed. The cats, being hungry, ate the only thing available to them.

Each other.

We jokingly refer to her as "The Cannibal Cat" and warn people to keep moving around her. If she licks you, which is common, it is only for a sample taste.

Fluff entered my life shortly after the loss of my beloved cat Minou. I had Minou through my formative years - my twenties - and he was there for all of the good, bad and ugly. His fur soaked my tears and he enjoyed my hugs and kisses for years. He was a tough act to follow...

My friend Adrienne had a friend with some "special needs" cats that were being fostered. I decided that after having had such a wonderful cat in Minou, I owed it to the animal kingdom to do something for an animal in need. And boy, were these cats in need.

I met Fluff and The LBC (then going by the names Julie & Skye) in a very nice room in a house in the country. They were not "people" cats. They were technically not even "daylight" cats. I think they lived like moles under furniture sneaking out to snatch bites of food when no one was looking.

Fluff is a beautiful black and white domestic long-haired cat and The LBC was a jet black tiny, tiny domestic short-haired cat. Both of them combined tipped the scales at about 10 lbs, on a good day, after a full meal, and a lot of water. Fluff was eventually renamed Fluff because she resembles a little tiny piece of cat fluff, blowing across your floor. And The LBC - well I should think that is self-explanatory.

I don't know that I had fallen in love with them, but I took them home anyway. They needed me.

Life with my new charges was interesting to say the least.

On a good day, I actually saw one of them.

They each had very distinctive personalities: Fluff was in charge, the guardian, and she would NOT tolerate being touched. The LBC was actually slightly more desperate for affection and she would engage in what became an evening ritual where I would sit in the middle of the floor and hold out my hand. She would come out and run by for a quick pet. She was always moving and circling around for another run and I had to hold perfectly still or she would run away and hide again. This went on and on and was dubbed "drive-by petting" and she loved it.

Fluff on the other hand wasn't so easily won over.

At some early age Fluff had decided that people were good for two things: cruelty and food. She was always in fear of what would happen to her if she got close or dropped her guard. She was impossible to pick up, tough to touch and could turn into a shrieking banshee at any given moment.

Once during a Mexican stand-off with my husband she sunk her teeth to the gums in his arm. "Try to move me, will you!"

Years went by and gradually she mellowed a bit, snuggling with The LBC and napping in the sunshine. Occasionally she'd be caught red-pawed playing delightfully with a toy but was otherwise still very standoffish.

Then one day, about three years after she came to live with me, the unexplained happened. Some strange switch in her head flipped and she went from crazy demonesque cat to snuggly lap cat. Overnight.

Literally.

And I mean a switch flip. One day, one way, one day the other. And once she let down her guard, she become so lovey and sweet. It was as though she was trying to make up for lost time. Laps that had come and gone and never been slept on. She needed people!

Fluff is still with us today and is a ripe old 16 years old. Sadly, The LBC passed quietly in her sleep about five years ago. But we like to think she lived out the rest of her life happy. I have many stories of The LBC that I will share later.

Fluff is now stone cold deaf, has cataracts, weighs 4 lbs, 4 ozs, is arthritic, has hyperthyroidism and never passes up the chance to warm a lap. She sleeps more than most cats and is in the beginning stages of kidney failure. She croaks out her meows like a seasoned smoker and could benefit from a cat-sized walker. She still uses a litterbox but is occasionally overwhelmed by her bodily functions and is forced to go RIGHT THIS MINUTE. And that is horrifyingly embarrassing for her. There is a sense that she may live for either a month or 10 more years. She has become the "little old lady" in our life but she is still in charge. She is the official welcoming committee for friends and guests.

One day I will miss her rules and schedules, her snuggles and purrs. She has taught me patience and tolerance.

I'm glad she came to join us all those years ago. It was a tough battle but I think she finally won.

2011-08-16T09:49:00.002-04:00

BUT I DON'T WANT A NEW CAR!!

My husband and I have been leasing a 2009 Nissan Murano for a few years and it's time was coming to an end. When we originally selected the car, we intended to purchase it at the end of the lease so we picked something with all of the bells and whistles that we could want. We were choosey about color and interior, we wanted a sun roof and begged for heated seats. We got our car.

We are good car owners, we have them regularly serviced, oil changes, washes and regular check-ups. Most recently we invested money to have the guidance system maps upgraded and have a 25,000 check up.

But time was almost up so we went to our bank to secure a loan to pay it off. The loan officer informed us that their rates weren't that good and that we should go to the dealership for financing.

Uh-oh.

We don't like to go to the dealership. I've gone to that dealership three times and three times I've left with a new car. We wanted to buy OUR car! OUR CAR!!

So, the hubby and I went to a diner prior to going to the dealership to go over our game plan.

"We are not going to buy a new car - right?"

"Right!"

"We love our car - right?"

"Right!"

"We agree on this - right?"

"RIGHT!"

And off we go to the dealership...

Fast forward six hours. I'm driving out of the dealership in a Murano that is the same color, same interior, same heated seats. Yes! WE did it! I'm so proud of us!

Uh, wait a minute, is that a heated steering wheel? Is this a 2011? How did THAT happen?!?

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-08-12T14:07:00.002-04:00

WHY I DREAD FRIDAYS

Fridays are generally everyone's favorite day of the week. TGIF anyone? But Fridays are generally my least favorite day. Euthanasia day, the end of the road for unwanted pets of all kinds.

People show up at the shelter with all kinds of excuses:
My partner/spouse/roommate doesn't like them.
I lost my job and can't afford them anymore.
I had to move and the new place doesn't accept pets.
I'm allergic.
My child/spouse/paperboy is allergic.
They are old.
They aren't any fun anymore.
They aren't cute anymore.
I didn't realize my pet would have babies if they weren't spayed.
I don't have any time for them.
I thought I wanted a pet but realized that I am just a selfless jerk.
They no longer have any meaning to me so I'm just going to discard them like the trash.

The excuses go on and on. And on. And I do not sympathize with these people.

They bring the pets to the shelters one by one and the shelter staff tries their best to get them adopted. They are listed online, and in papers. Featured on TV shows and the radio. Displayed at pet expos and special events.

But the shelters get overwhelmed. They don't have the funds. More pets come in. Less people take them out. And before you know it they are full to the brim.

And then Friday comes. And to make room for next week's unwanted pets, we have to put down this week's unwanted and discarded. Millions of animals a year. Tossed away. Killed. Trashed.

And THAT is why I dread Fridays.

2010-11-12T09:40:00.008-05:00

To Paint, or Not to Paint... THAT is the Question

I've never bore my own children - I find maternity clothes dull and the thought of eating healthy for 9 months to be some small form of torture. (What do you mean I can't have sushi and peanuts?)
What I have previously done before is own a home. Granted it was a condo, about 975 sq. ft, but it was my first. (Said condo is now being rented, which is a whole other story in itself.)

After having my first, I put all of my time and love into it - the same way new mothers do with their first born. You know, those first babies get all the swag - the expansive wardrobe in which each item will only ever be worn once since the baby grows too fast; the well-decorated new room with brand spankin' new (just assembled moments before said baby was delivered) crib; multiple strollers - one for jogging, one that easily collapses, one that matches mommy's new coat; all of the plugs are covered for safety; doors and drawers properly latched to protect baby from contents; and photos, thousands of photos taken and posted of the new little wrinkled wonder.

Then comes baby number two (should mommy be brave enough to go there). That kid gets all of kid number one's cast offs. By this time, #2 comes along no one cares if they are protected from sharp knives, poison or electrical charge. When that child turns 18, they realize there are only 6 photos of them. Don't deny it - you know this is true...

Our new house is like baby #2. In the first two weeks of our condo we: painted custom colors everywhere; purchased furniture; installed flooring and carpet; replaced all outlets and wall switches. As our condo matured we: painted cabinets; replaced counter tops and appliances; added recessed lighting; replaced bathroom cabinets and fixtures; and photographed everything along the way. We had a housewarming. We christened every room. You get the point.

We nurtured it into the condo it is today.

Now we have a house. A fairly large house. We moved in four months ago. We're still unpacking boxes. We have a yard that needs raked. The basement needs finished. The garage needs an opener. The interior is white, very white. We still have yet to paint.

I fear for our second child.

2010-05-29T10:46:00.005-04:00

THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF HOME BUYING

So, my S.O. and I are in the process of buying a new home. I'm sure you are wondering, "why with all of the lovely improvements you've made to your condo, do you want to buy a new home?"

Is it to take advantage of the generous tax credit? er - no.

Is it because I found the home of my dreams that I just had to have and nothing was going to hold me back? er - no again.

Is it because it was a great time to sell our condo? On the contrary - no.

Why then?
It is because we have too many damn pairs of shoes (and too many cats) and no where to put them all.

And off we went to find the perfect home, for our shoes (and cats).

Now, when I put my mind to something people are continually amazed at how focused I can become. Once the decision was made, I called my mortgage lender, was approved, got on the phone with my agent, and was looking at houses in just a few days. (It's a good thing I never wanted to have children or I would have been the first person to conceive and give birth in a week. Yes, I am THAT focused.)

We set a few home viewing records seeing as many as 10 homes a day. What were we looking for? Something that spoke to us. And some homes in fact did speak to us. They said "Run! Run as fast as you can!"

But after searching high and low, we have settled on a lovely little house in Annandale, VA. We are closing July 2.

More stories to come...

2010-04-20T21:22:00.000-04:00

THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN YOU ARE APPLYING FOR A JOB

These are actual things I have run across while recently looking for a new PT Admin/Receptionist.

Do not:

1) Write your cover letter in “text speak”
2) Submit a 2+ (or no kidding 6+) page resume for a part-time entry-level position
3) Spell the person’s name to whom you are submitting said resume to, incorrectly
4) Say that you are “detail oriented” when in fact your cover letter contains dozens of typos
5) Tell me to have a “Blessed Day”
6) Write your cover letter in a series of incomplete fragmented sentences
7) Demand that I call you to find out what your qualifications are
8) Ask me a bunch of questions prior to even submitting your resume
9) Misspell your own name
10) Leave important words out of sentences (which oddly happened a lot…)
11) Ignore the fact that I requested a cover letter
12) Include a one-sentence cover letter that says “This is my resume”
13) List the following qualifications (for an admin position): Venipunture (??), Injections, Vital Signs and Surgical Tray Set Up
14) List your only job experience as “Professional Basketball Player”
15) Give me too much personal information (seriously, I could open credit cards…)
16) Begin a letter with “Hello, my name is…”
17) Send me an email from your current work email address during work hours
18) Answer your phone “yeah?” when being called for an interview for a RECEPTIONIST!

Please share this with people that you know are job hunting. I'm sure I left out a bunch. I should give a class...

2009-02-19T22:00:00.005-05:00

WHY I LIKE TO WATCH TV

OK - I don't really feel like I need to justify my television viewing but sometimes those smug "we don't watch TV" people really get on my nerves. You know those people who insist they either don't own televisions, don't have cable or only watch PBS and CNN. The ones who always act baffled when you make a pop culture TV reference like "Who's Simon Cowell?" C'mon! I don't even WATCH American Idol and I can tell you who has won almost every year.

But, let me tell you why I love television.

IMAGINATION

Yes - as formulaic as some of those writers can get - TV is pretty damned imaginative. Take Lost for example... REALLY - The island moves around? You don't see that kind of shit on CNN.

And Ghost Whisperer... REALLY - Who wears those outfits in real life?

OK, but I digress...

I also enjoy that TV gives my S.O. and I opportunities to talk about scenarios and how we would behave in certain situations. The invention of the DVR has really added to this ability. We often pause a show and ask "What would you do?" It's led to some conversations we might not otherwise ever engage in.

All I can say is that I LOVE MY TV. And I really like it now that it is BIG.

2008-10-06T10:01:00.001-04:00

VOTE TODAY!!

Please help the Arlington Animal Welfare League (where I volunteer) win $10,000!

2008-08-20T20:45:00.002-04:00

CITY OF FAIRFAX 32ND ANNUAL FALL FESTIVAL

I made it! I'm in! I will be exhibiting at my first ever juried craft show! Here are the details:

Saturday, October 11, 2008 (rain date October 12)
10:00 am - 5:00 pm
Old Town Fairfax
10455 Armstrong Street, Fairfax, VA 22030
Admission is FREE!

There are over 400 exhibitors and food as well as all sorts of entertainment for both adults and kids. I encourage you to attend!

Oh - and while you are there - swing by my booth (M6 Designs) in space #424 near the corner of Main Street on University Drive.

Be sure to tell your friends and families!

2008-06-17T20:46:00.004-04:00

FLYING THE FRIENDLY SKIES

As most of you know, I travel A LOT. All work related so I'm not what you would call living the jetsetting life or anything, but nonetheless I fly A LOT.

So, there I am on my plane - coach section - aisle seat (one of the small pleasures of being a frequent flier - VERY small.) A woman is seated in the middle seat - cause you know planes are FULL these days. They stuff people in bathroom stalls, and coffee pots to maximize capacity. Apparently the bathroom stalls are considered first class.

But I digress...

My middle-seat mate is an average sized woman who has absolutely NO CONCEPT of PERSONAL SPACE. And on top of that she is a complete IDIOT.

Am I just being judgmental? Perhaps I'm just burned out on travel? No. Because unlike half of those business travelers, I'm a relatively low maintenance roll-with-the-punches kind of traveler.

So, let me tell you about this woman...

First she sits down with both of her bags and tries to stuff them under her seat. When she realizes that isn't going to work she gets up and puts one in the overhead storage. Then she sits back down and buckles in. Then she has to get back up because she forgot something. Then she sits back down. Then she has to use the restroom before the plane takes off. Then she sits back down.

OK - ready for takeoff.

We've been in the air about two minutes and apparently the laws of physics are different for her because she expands. I don't know where the additional mass comes from but now she cannot contain her arms, shoulders or knees within her space. Or feet. Her feet are sprawled into my space. MY SPACE!

Now airline space is small but I'm very territorial. But she keeps coming into MY SPACE. This is going to be a LONG flight.

So I attempt to settle into my magazine and have my headphones on and am just praying for the next 5 hours to go quickly. Cause you know we have to stop in Phoenix which is right on the way to Seattle. (Airline logic - go figure...)

So Dingbat (as she is soon to be named) whips out her laptop (which also seems to have greater mass than any normal laptop) and opens up. I'm trying not to pay attention. Dingbat is fiddling with something.

Waiting...

Click click click. Wait...

Click click click - this is going on for about 10 minutes.

I finally look over.

SHE IS TRYING TO CONNECT TO THE INTERNET. IDIOT!!!

So I watch this continue for a few more moments (because I'm not one of those people that believes that wireless access is going to bring down the plane, and frankly it's just humorous) and then I finally say, "um, you know you are supposed to being using wireless up here?" And I'm thinking "you are an IDIOT as the closest Internet access is about 4 miles - down."

So, sadly she puts her laptop away and just kind of sits there (continually expanding) and it dawns on me. She brought nothing else to do because she was just going to surf the net while she was up there.

I can't even begin to explain my bruised ribs (from her continual expansion and restlessness), the curvature of my spine (due to the inability to sit upright during my flight - I was forced to lean left due to her ever increasing expansion into my space) and the inability to catch any sleep due to her needing to get up and down at least 20 times during the trip.

So we get to Phoenix everyone gets off. When I got back on to continue my trip - there she was.

Just before takeoff I notice an empty seat in another row.

You know I took it.

2008-01-18T11:18:00.000-05:00

IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE YOU WANT TO SPAY & NEUTER THEN YOU ARE SATAN

Great video!

2008-01-15T18:01:00.000-05:00

CONGRESS - SOLVING THE PROBLEMS OF A NATION

I like baseball. After all, I'm a full-blooded, patriotic, all American past-time loving girl. Right?

But really. Does no one else in the country find it just a bit atrocious that our tax dollars are funding a congressional committee to investigate steroid usage in baseball? Now the Justice Dept is going to investigate individual players?

We have a housing recession, a crappy educational system, a large percentage of our citizens without health care, a declining stock market and a WAR. But, CONGRESS is investigating steroid use in baseball. That should solve all of our problems.

If I recall correctly, baseball is a sport. A commercial sport. With sponsors and stadiums and souvenir caps. It is ENTERTAINMENT people.

Is it only me that believes congress should be spending their time on more important issues?

Talk about poor prioritization.

Quick! Better get a congressional committee to review the use of drugs by rock musicians.

Watch our Keith Richards!

2007-12-27T11:13:00.000-05:00

NO LONGER A BRIDESMAID

I suppose saying that I am no longer serving as a bridesmaid is a bit of an understatement. I can proudly state that it's been more than 20 years since I served in my first and only bridesmaid role.

Some may think it's because of the bad reputation I earned the first time around. But actually I was very well behaved. (Although I did suffer a slight self-destruction problem with my pink taffeta dress...)

I think it's because I was always strategically absent when those positions were being doled out. Nonetheless, it has not stopped me from attending well over 30 weddings over the years. (Yes as an actual invited guest and not as a crasher.)

Why am I being so nostalgic about weddings all of the sudden?

Perhaps it is because I am officially engaged. :-)

Now, I'm not your typically traditional girl. I won't be donning any snowy white confection of a dress, nor will I be letting some random guest grope my leg for a garter to hang from their rearview mirror. And not a Chicken Dance in site!

But the one thing I really wanted, that I REALLY REALLY wanted was a ring, selected by my very sweet S.O., to be gently placed on my finger during an actual proposal. And you know what?

I got my wish.

2007-08-03T08:48:00.000-04:00

THROUGH THE LENSE

One of my very best friend's boyfriend is a photojournalist - Chris Usher. He has been following the tragedy referred to as "Katrina". He has just published a book - "One of Us" - and is being featured in this week's Time Magazine. In addition, there are photos online. Please take a look:

Time Magazine

I have been privileged enough to follow along with the process of creating this book. The photos and stories are very captivating. It is a time in the recent U.S. history that still seems very foreign to most people. I hope this helps to make it much more understandable.

Enjoy!

2007-07-30T08:37:00.000-04:00

I AM.....THE FIRE EATER!

So, I'm at a wedding in St. Lucia, just minding my own business, when lo and behold I am brought into the stage show. Up until this point the stage show has been pretty mild - the limbo and whatnot.

But, see for yourself:

Of course, what you don't see is that the wedding photographer didn't get a good shot the first time, so he made me sit down and do it again!

I was burping kerosene the rest of the evening.

2007-07-29T14:36:00.000-04:00

BRIEF ENCOUNTERS PT. 1

In my lifetime I've had the opportunity to hobnob, chat with and in some cases, kiss more than my fair share of slightly famous people. I'm not really sure how - perhaps it's because I never really tried to. Nonetheless, I thought they would make interesting stories, so here they go!

Many years ago in 1987 (or thereabout) I was volunteering as an usher for the Syria Mosque - a pretty nice concert venue in Pittsburgh. As a volunteer I would show people to their seats and at about 15 minutes after the start of the headliner would be able to take a seat up front. It was a pretty good gig for a college student and enabled me to see all sorts of shows I otherwise would not have been able to afford.

One night in particular I showed up early for a Berlin concert (you know "Metro" and "Sex (I'm A)") and was sitting in the center seat of the hall waiting to start. I had just missed sound check and the roadies were moving things about on stage. A really good looking guy walked in and sat down next to me.

"Hello, what are you doing here so early?", he said.

I proceeded to explain. Boy was he cute... I wonder if he lives around here?

"What's your name?", he asked.

"Jamie... And yours?", I replied.

"My name is John", he responded.

We continued to chat for a while and then I asked: "Well John where will you be sitting for the show?" Oh PLEASE let it be my section!

"Actually, I'll be standing right about there." And he pointed to center stage left.

HUH?!?

"I'm actually in Berlin..." he continued, "I'll be singing and playing bass. Where will you be?"

Now keep in mind, this is pre-internet. And though everyone knew what Terri Nunn looked like, I would have been hard pressed to pick out the rest of the band in a police line-up.

I smiled, "Once I get to sit down I'll be just about in front of you."

"Well, I'll be sure to wave!"

So later after we parted and they took the stage, I finally was able to take my seat. Girls all around me were screaming for John's attention. He was all made up now, stage clothes and big 80's hair. So much different than the guy I met earlier.

John spotted me, came over to my area, smiled big, waved and said "Hi Jamie!"

Boy, were those girls jealous. And I just waved back smiling from ear to ear.

And so it began...

2007-06-19T19:59:00.000-04:00

GOVERNING STUPIDITY: HOW DARWINISM IS LOSING

I know you've received those emails about how things were back when we were young. We didn't wear seat belts or bike helmets, we run around the neighborhood all night, we climbed trees and ate random Halloween Candy - ya know - lived life on the edge!

Now, kids can't go ten feet without being strapped in, padded or topped with some form of armor. The government has rules regarding your safety, your children's safety, your pet's safety, how often to water your house plants...

And to make matters worse, all of the idiots in the world - the ones lacking common sense of any type - have now created reasons for the government to put warnings on just about everything you can taste, smell or touch.

Yes! COFFEE is HOT!

No! Children should NOT put plastic bags on their HEADS!

Yes! Gravity makes all objects FALL!

Yes! Bush is an IDIOT! Oops, but I digress...

Anyhow, I have a theory about all of these safety mechanisms that the government has put into place to protect us.

They have governed stupidity. All of the idiots that would have killed themselves because, well, they are idiots are now still alive.

You know the guy - he lives down the street - shouldn't have probably been killed in some sort of shaving while water skiing accident. He's still alive thanks to government regulations. And annoying you. And he has a freezer in his front yard as a lawn ornament (with the door safely removed - of course.)

And worse yet - voting. These people are allowed to VOTE!

And they keep electing all of the stupid politicians that are in office right now.

All because they can't tell that the coffee is hot.

Darwin is turning over in his grave right now...

2007-06-05T11:01:00.000-04:00

VOTE NOW - IT'S EASY AND FOR A GOOD CAUSE!

CAAWS (Capital Area Animal Welfare Society) needs your help. They have been selected as one of the 10 non-profit finalists in the Burger King Campaign for Your Cause. Ten area non-profits are now in the run offs for as much as a $50,000 donation. CAAWS is very honored to have recieved this opportunity.

Won't you please help by simply voting for them? You can vote every day and more than once per day. You can vote from different computers and email sign ons. No login required!! All you have to do is visit:

www.CampaignForYourCause.com
Click "Baton Rouge"
Then click on CAAWS
or
text message CAAWS to 287437 (BURGER)

Voting Period begins today June 5 until July 13.

Thank you for considering voting for us and please, please forward this link to everyone that would like to help the animals. Every vote counts!

****************************************************

To those who are unfamiliar with CAAWS,

CAAWS is an all-volunteer nonprofit organization. Those of you who are familiar with all-volunteer groups will understand the challenges they encounter. They receive funding from donations and fund raisers, 100% of which supports their animal efforts, no administrative expenses. Feel free to visit their website, www.caaws.org .

In addition to the animal efforts in the Baton Rouge area, CAAWS supports legislation that affects our state and the nation, such as the anti-cockfighting bill & pet evacuation bill, and has assisted in Katrina animal relief efforts, continuing today to provide pet food funding for my food/water stations in 9th Ward New Orleans.

CAAWS has an opportunity to win $50,000, which would make a huge impact on their ability to help the animals in our community. However, they are competing against very large organizations in the final 10, including hospitals, schools, and nationally recognized organizations.

Please help them by voting every day, and encourage others to do the same.

2007-06-03T15:49:00.000-04:00

MY STORE IS FINALLY LAUNCHED!

Start getting your gift on!

2007-05-29T14:21:00.000-04:00

BAD TASTE? OR STUPIDITY?

"Dutch broadcaster BNN plans to air a television show next week where a terminally ill woman will decide who out of three young patients will get her kidney, Dutch media said on Saturday.

Viewers will be able to advise the 37-year-old woman, known as Lisa, via SMS which of the candidates to pick, the Algemeen Dagblad newspaper said. The show is scheduled for next Friday in a prime-time spot."

Uh - yeah - this sounds like a GREAT idea...

WTF?!?

If I've said it once - I'll say it a million times. Reality TV is for idiots.

Don't be an idiot.

2007-05-15T10:27:00.000-04:00

LOSING MY RELIGION

I suppose to say I "lost my religion" implies I had any to begin with. Now I just seem to be losing my patience with religious people.

Oh don't get me wrong - I have lots of church (used in the broad sense) going friends but it's all of those people

OUT THERE

that are driving me batty.

I'm speaking of THOSE PEOPLE that see the virgin Mary in their corn flakes, hear God tell them to kill their sinning neighbors, and join the cult called "scientology".

OK - so really the fact is that I'm completely jealous. I mean, why didn't I think of creating a secret religion that worships an alien tyrant named Xenu? Celebrities think we commoners look upon them with awe because of how rich and/or famous they are. Oh we look, and read the Star, and watch tabloid TV but it is because we can't believe how incredibly STUPID this particular group of people has become.

I mean when one comes into a lot of money and fame do they look at the book Dianetics and think - this is the bible I've been missing! When I become rich and famous perhaps I will look upon "Interview with a Vampire" in a whole new light.

Is Lestat in fact God?

But I do have plans to go to Second Life and create a cat-based religion and get rich that way. I mean come on - those people live in a world of fiction - why NOT worship cats.

How about we all just be nice to each other. That doesn't cost anything but patience and it doesn't insult anyone's intelligence.

And I won't be forced to watch John Revolting - er - Travolta speak of his people anymore.

2007-05-14T11:26:00.000-04:00

BOOKMOOCH.COM

If you are like I am - you read a lot. I have some pretty strange taste in books but that is besides my point here. :-)

There are a few sites where you can receive books and give away books - for free! Yea - I said FREE!

One is Bookmooch.com - the site I am registered on. I highly recommend it. The only cost - is the cost for you to ship a book (via media mail) to someone who requests it. All in all a fairly cheap endeavor. There are thousands of members and hundreds of thousands of books to choose from.

So sign up today!

Trade your books at BookMooch.com

2007-05-11T09:37:00.000-04:00

THE QUEST FOR A NEW CAMERA

I have this thing about digital cameras... I like to break them. Well, "like to" might be a little strong - perhaps it is a propensity to breakage. Anyhow, I've managed to break two cameras in four months. My S.O. is a little peeved with me and I am beginning to think he won't let me leave the house anymore with one in hand. (Perhaps I should hire one of those courtroom artists to follow me around and draw things for me.)

I had the BEST little digital camera. Yes - the Panasonic Lumix DMC-FX01 - a fantabulous camera. So, since I knew it was a good piece (and had been purchased SO recently that I knew they were still in production) I just wanted to get another one.

In this day and age you'd think getting a camera online is a no-brainer. I googled my beloved camera and received a listing for everyprice.com - one of those sites that does a price comparison of sites offering your selection. I did what a normal consumer does and selected the best price with cheap shipping and ordered away.

This is my experience:

Place order online
Receive confirmation email of said order asking me to call to verify the order (uh - OK)

I call:
Me: I'd like to verify order #blah blah blah
Them: I see you ordered the Panasonic Lumix DMC-FX01. It only comes with a 16 meg SD card - would you like to purchase an additional card?
Me: No thank you, I already have a 2 gig card
Them: Well the battery life for this camera is only about 30 minutes, would you like to purchase an additional battery?
Me: (First of all since I have one I know that the battery life is much longer but I say) no thank you, I already have an extra battery and charger.
Them: How about a case?
Me: Nope - have one of those too! I really just want the camera.
Them: [slight pause] Oh - I just noticed that this camera is not the US model - it is the Japanese model. The US model is $50 more. Would you like that one?
Me: [I will summarize my less than polite answer to] No thank you - just cancel my order.

Well, I am not to be deterred so I ordered from another site.

And I went through the SAME DAMN THING - TWO MORE TIMES!

So, I did some research cause now I'm just pissed. And I placed my order at Prestige Camera.

Here is what happened:

Place order online

Receive confirmation email of said order asking me to call to verify the order (not this again!)

I (angrily) call:
Me: I'd like to verify order #blah blah blah
Them: I see you ordered the Panasonic Lumix DMC-FX01. It only comes with a 16 meg SD card - would you like to purchase an additional card?
Me: No thank you, I already have a 2 gig card
Them: Well the battery life for this camera is only about 30 minutes, would you like to purchase an additional battery?
Me: [sigh] No thank you, I already have an extra battery and charger.

Them: How about a case?

Me: Nope - have one of those too! I really just want the camera.

Them: [again with the slight pause] Oh - I just noticed that this camera is not the US model - it is the Japanese model. The US model is $50 more. Would you like that one?

Me: No, I want the one I ordered.
Them: But it is in Japanese - can you read Japanese?
Me: As a matter of fact I can.
Them: Oh...well...OK...we'll send your camera.
Me: Thank you!

Shipment confirmation email received.

4-5 Days later camera received.

Just as I expected. In English.

2006-12-18T12:25:00.000-05:00

MERRY EXCESSMAS!

I love the holiday season! And no - that is not my generic way of saying "Christmas" so as not to offend anyone who might be offended. It is my way of saying the entire time from Thanksgiving to the New Year's hangover. (However, the things I do find offensive are the incredibly huge inflatable snowmen and snowglobes people put in their yards!)

I love eggnog (though my diet doesn't), tree selection (even with the trail of needles it leaves), off-key carols (especially the Little Drummer Boy), decorating (looks like St. Nick threw up ornaments all over my house), shopping (OK - well I ALWAYS love that), selecting gift wrap (coordination is key), and hosting guests (of all faiths).

To me Christmas is less about religion and more about the extreme excess we are capable of at this time. If I could get away with over-decorating my house with various themes and buying gifts for people throughout the year (without people thinking I'm insane) I would. I realize that this may offend some but I gotta be honest here. I haven't been to church for anything other than a wedding or funeral since I was about 12. (Unless of course you count touring famous cathedrals to see dead people.) To me, organized religion is a business with strange rules dictated by various religious scholars that may change at the drop of a hat. Remember the movie "The Wiz"? If not, rent it. (The wizard grows bored of the Emerald City's color and dictates a change - roughly every 10 minutes...)

And I would venture to guess that the throngs of people jostling in lines at the assorted retailers right now are in my same shoes. I do believe that there is a certain spirit to Christmas - be kind to others, give till it hurts (or puts you over your credit limit), welcome those relatives you don't much like into your homes. This time of year gives me the warm fuzzies.

I've often considered ditching Christmas. I mean, why go to all the bother? I'm not religious. Let's save our money for a nice vacation. Let's not get a tree. Let's stay home.

But I just can't! I need to be out there - choosing the perfect gift, waiting at the post office to buy stamps and mail packages (although I strongly encourage you to use Harry & David), and waiting for the big day when you can "demonstrate" your spirit (i.e. count how many packages under the tree are for you).

Call it what you want - a religious holiday, a hallmark occasion, whatever. If you choose not to partake that is fine. But don't ruin it for the rest of us extremists!

Me? I prefer to call it Excessmas!

Oh yeah - and Happy Birthday Baby Jesus. (There, was that religious enough for you?)

2006-11-09T09:03:00.000-05:00

GETTIN' MY RED(NECK) ON

Yep - I'm a hick. Well, afterall I live in Virginia right? OH - RIGHT! NORTHERN Virginia. OK, so I'm not a hick.

But, every now and then you gotta do something that puts you in touch with the people. You know which people I mean - the ones who voted Bush into office. THOSE people.

So a few weeks ago my S.O. dragged me to the Virginia nether regions (that would be "over the hill and through the woods" to you outsiders) to see a drag race.

Yep - I hung around with the best of them sipping my Diet Coke while on an eternal quest for food that wasn't fried and presented on a stick. I purchased souvenir tank tops touting well-known drivers with all those other race fan spouses - however, mine fit. I wore earplugs (even though they didn't match my outfit) to stop me from going through the rest of my life inquiring "huh?"

Yes. I admit it. I am a snob.

But low and behold, as I wandered around the pits watching burly guys change motors and rev them loudly to test for engine soundness, I started to really enjoy it! I played interactive racing games on full-size simulators! I loved the sounds! The smells! (OK - maybe not the smells.) The rumbling you feel in your bones as a car pulls off the line! This is awesome!!

I want to come back!

But, what's a city girl got to do to get a decent piece of sushi and a martini at one of these things?

2006-11-03T14:26:00.000-05:00

IT'S A ROUGH JOB...BUT SOMEONE'S GOTTA DANCE

Is it mean if I rub in the fact that I was actually working when this occurred? (And yes - those are some of my colleagues.) Do you wish you had my job? (And it is not at Coyote Ugly.) Are you proud of the fact that I am not wearing a white bra? (Bra? What bra?)

I love my job.

2006-10-12T12:28:00.000-04:00

AAAWWWW - I HAD TO!

How cute is this? Looks like my little Pixie Cat when she was a kitten.

2006-10-05T12:21:00.000-04:00

OK - I KNOW I SHOULDN'T LAUGH BUT...

It's really fartin' funny!

http://us.video.aol.com/video.index.adp?mode=1&pmmsid=1732136

And, just for the record, I've teetered in higher.

2006-09-14T17:09:00.000-04:00

STUPID JOKE OF THE DAY

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a
bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to say:
"Red....................cherry," "Yellow.................lemon,"
"Green.................lime," "Orange....................orange,"

Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers.

After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," the teacher said, "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled:

"Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!"

2006-09-12T21:47:00.000-04:00

THROW AWAY YOUR MAPS!

So, I was in New Mexico for the past few days on business. I had a great time. One night I went out and met a group of people that invited me and a colleague to have cocktails with them. Many drinks later I find out my drinking buddies were the movers and shakers of NM elite one of which was Raymond Sanchez - former NM Speaker of the House. Surreal night to say the least...

Anyhow, I was on my way to the El Paso airport Sunday morning for an 11:40 am flight. I was in Ruidoso, NM. Yeah - where's that?

Anyhow, I was told to take 70 all the way to El Paso. I arrived at 70 and my choices: East or West. No cities named. Well, I'm not an idiot - Texas is to the East. So...I drove East - for about 2.5 hours.

El Paso is 2 hours away. I was still driving. Through the desert, sand, shrubs - by the occasional bunny rabbit. No civilization. No signs. No cell phone service. None. Nothing. Nada. Ziltch.

By the time I made it to a tiny town called Elida (Yeah - where the hell is THAT!) - I was seven hours from my destination.

Needless to say I missed my flight.

Now, I'd like you all to join me in writing the New Mexico government to 1) ask for signs - any signs - signs to tell you where you are, where you are going and how far until you reach it; 2) ask for gas stations as I was on fumes - every now and then you actually want a gapped tooth inbred around to ask for directions; and 3) ask for Verizon to put up a cell phone tower - another opportunity for them to make money.

I was almost dead on the roadside with a vulture picking out my eyeball.

Oh, and for future reference - the maps are wrong - Texas is WEST of New Mexico.

2006-08-27T10:28:00.000-04:00

2006 TIKI PARTY - SOBRIETY IS UNDERRATED

Well, once again the Tiki Party was a success. Of course I rate success by how quicky my SO gets drunk and falls asleep.

It seems by this point in the party's history we've figured out how to smash 50 some odd people into our small space. We're still not sure how it works. This year's party featured the Bahama Mama, Mai Tai (Trader Vic style), Tiki Love Juice and the Mango Tiki. I love rum!

By the end of the evening my SO walked our lasts guests out - turned and went straight to bed. I stayed up to clean the disaster that is our home.

But that's OK - I saved the sticky floors for him...

Yahoo! Photos - Tiki Party 2006

2006-08-24T10:41:00.000-04:00

KEVIN CARROLL: KATALYST

I just returned from a fabulous conference in Boston - my professional society ASAE. I saw this speaker - the author of the Rules of the Red Rubber Ball and was fascinated with his life and message. This is his blog.

Katalyst Consultancy Blog

I highly recommend it!

2006-08-16T17:00:00.001-04:00

HITLER CATS

Kinda makes me want to watch old Hogans Heroes reruns...

http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/

2006-08-15T12:31:00.000-04:00

HERE'S ME ON MY SOAPBOX AGAIN...

Dear Friends,

I have just read and signed the petition: "End Dolphin Slaughter in Japan". It seems people just keep pissing me off!!

Please take a moment to read about this important issue, and join me in signing the petition. It takes just 30 seconds, but can truly make a difference. We are trying to reach 1,000,000 signatures - please sign here: http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/427037941 Once you have signed, you can help even more by asking your friends and family to sign as well.

And, while you are at it - read about the atrocities happening to the poor dogs in China - over 50,000 slaughtered and some right in front of their owners - beat to death in the streets. You can do something about this as well: http://wspa.org.uk/news.asp?newsID=286

I wish the neighborhood bullies would stick to throwing rocks at windows...

Thank you!

2006-08-08T09:51:00.000-04:00

AS IF I NEEDED ANOTHER REASON TO WASTE TIME

And then along comes this infectious website.

Kittenwar! May The Cutest Kitten Win!

I'm gonna get fired...

2006-07-13T13:47:00.000-04:00

FRESH...FROM THE KITCHEN
This is a cool invention however, it seems to me that they forgot one important thing. If they are aiming this at city dwellers and folks with no garden space - how do they think they are going to fit this in their tiny little kitchens?

But, nonetheless, I think that this would make a great cat bed - plants and all.

Aero Garden

2006-07-09T18:32:00.000-04:00

...ON MOTHERHOOD

My S.O. has a 5 year old daughter.

I am one of those women that never inherited the "I Must Pro-Create" gene. To be honest, I didn't even inherit the "ooh - he/she is so cute!" gene. I am generally the one chick in the room that doesn't really want to hold your baby. It's a bummer I'm an only child. Sorry.

I have a friend - Marla - who insists that children should only be acknowledged when they are able to form complete sentences (and hopefully old enough to drink). She does not have the gene either.

So, last week I found myself playing "mom" to this little girl.

Funny thing about playing Mom - it's not a game that gets to end when you have a headache, want to read the paper, or do your nails. But, I have to admit - I stepped up to the plate. I played dolls. (I played the "mommy" doll - go figure...) I painted clay figurines, I went to the water park, I braided hair, I rewarded and reprimanded, I carried a tote bag with juice boxes and healthy snacks. I didn't swear....for a WHOLE week.

Who the hell am I anyway!!!!

Did I mention just how VERY cute and sweet she is? Did I mention that she spoke in a little tiny, girlie voice? Did I say cute? AND, she came with her own Barbies.

Ahhhh... this thing called "motherhood", I can't say I'd want to do it full time but maybe every now and then.

Like next month.

2006-05-31T12:01:00.000-04:00

THEY DON'T ALWAYS LIVE HAPPILY OR EVER AFTER...

All season I said I wanted to do this because it seems to me that this season was particularly rough on TV characters. It used to be that certain characters were sacred - say - the stars. But this season it seemed that anything went in the land of TV deaths.

I would however like to point out that they left out a few - mainly the show "The Supernatural" (although I guess the cliffhanger didn't really specify WHO died yet).

And, you can join me with a big fat cheer "Yeah! Marissa Cooper's Dead!"

And now . . . your past season's deceased - TV Squad

2006-05-22T17:24:00.000-04:00

THESE BOOTS WERE MADE FOR MOSHING!

My entire life I have been in love with shoes (and I hope to feature a number of the more interesting ones in this space.) When I say shoes, I don't mean pumps or tennies, designer ankle-breakers, or other run of the mill shoes worn by TV and movie starlets and featured in the pages of Vogue. I mean SHOES. Works of art, form and function. Shoes that make a statement, say "look at me (I am so much fucking cooler than you)!", attract strange men with foot fetishes and at times, say "Ouch!"

I dress from the shoes up.

When I was in grade school I used to sneak into my mom's closet and walk around in her platforms. It was the 70's and she sang in a rock band. She had cool shoes. My little feet rattled around in them and I couldn't wait to get old enough and big enough to wear her shoes and/or be able to get my own platforms.

In what seemed like a year later (and 350 gallons of milk) my feet actually passed those of my mother. It was sad. So, I then aspired to own my own pair of platforms. My mother promptly said "no!" (meenie...)

So I bought my own through misappropriated funds (something I won't go into but have since made amends.) The sad thing was that they were too small for me about 5 minutes later. (Can you say Karma?) But nonetheless, I consider the year 1978 to be the beginning of my shoe obsession. I guess my annual shoe budget - er - debt to be in the thousands.

These boots above - which I call my "Ace Freely Grenade Heel Boots" were purchased about 5-6 years ago for $250 at a store in NYC called "Religious Sex". I love these boots - however as seems to be my MO - they were also a pinch too small. I suffered through a number of wearings but they have since become the latest in a long line of eBay victims.

So join me as I say farewell to the coolest boots I've ever owned.

I will miss them so...

2006-05-22T17:08:00.000-04:00

THE LITTLE SKIRT THAT COULD...

Sadly, there comes a time in ones life when they have to realize that they just can't wear that anymore. Recently, that has happened to me. I'm not talking about gaining weight or something being out of style, but just: "As a self-respecting 40-yr old woman, I should not leave the house wearing this item."

You know - you've seen those women (and men) wearing something two sizes to small, two decades out of style or - er - two generations too young for them. Don't get me wrong - more power to the Madonna's of the world who feel comfortable leaving the house in just about anything. But, I do not make $20 M a year, I did not make a book about Sex! (or did I? It's all rather fuzzy now...) and I have to edit myself before walking out into public.

This skirt is one of those items. A real authentic "vintage" Lip Service skirt from about 1988. This skirt embraced everything about me - I was edgy, I was living life dangerously, I was punk rock and, I was a size 8.

I have put this skirt on eBay with the rest of my former life - short (SHORT!) skirts, big (BIG!) boots and a number of other memories. Memories of chance meetings of semi-famous musicians, memories of staying out until sunrise, memories of the myriads of interesting people that these items lead me to...

Aaaahhhh...if this skirt could talk, what a story it would tell.

And boy, could it!

Hopefully, some young eBay-er out there will write about it fondly with their own spectacular memories.

2006-05-09T22:49:00.000-04:00

AND I THOUGHT I KNEW CUTE...

Well, as if I needed any reason to completely waste even more time on the Internet (but I NEED those shoes). But this site is better than those emails with all of the pictures of cute animals and babies that although you don't want to receive, you do, and you look and you smile.

This site is a whole bunch of that.

Cute Overload! ;)

2006-04-18T09:55:00.000-04:00

BUILDING A BETTER BOY

Years ago, back before my S.O., I dated a lot of guys. I had this knack for being able to find the diamond in the rough. I don't mean guys who were totally without merit, but guys who had all of the basics but needed just a little more refinement. Now, refinement in my world meant cutting the mohawk and teaching the guy in question about Commander Salamander instead of Goodwill for their cool clothes.

Looking back, I smile and take joy in the knowledge that there are a lot of guys out there making wonderful boyfriends or husbands because of what I taught them. (Ahem - THAT is not what I am talking about right now...)

Well, friends of mine took it a bit further. Seems they think I can't date EVERY guy in the city so they took it upon themselves to create a website that does what I used to do. (OK - not THAT either, but you get the idea.)

Be Better Guys: BBG - Home

Check it out. And please, direct it to the guy in your life. As I've mentioned, I'm taken.

2006-04-10T15:46:00.000-04:00

THE SINGING FOOT FETISHIST

I think I'm speechless... Who'dathunkit??

CD Baby: ANGEL BOI: Toe Lover

2006-02-24T14:22:00.000-05:00

HALLOWEEN COSTUME OR POLITICAL STATEMENT?

One can never be sure of these things...but WHAT was this family thinking? Think they'll let me borrow it?? ;-)

Photo

2006-02-07T13:32:00.000-05:00

NEW SPECIES THAT ACTUALLY LIKE US!

This finding is interesting on a number of levels - the fact that an area of our planet has essentially been untampered with and therefore "undiscovered" - and the fact that they discovered so many species of wildlife that were either believed to be extinct or have never been seen before.

But what I find the most fascinating is the fact that these animals are not scared of people - yet. Researches have picked them up, pet them, examined them and let them go. When was the last time a squirrel let you pet it?

Guardian Unlimited Special reports New species found in Indonesian jungle

We can only hope it stays that way...

2006-02-06T11:55:00.000-05:00

THE BEST OF THE 'BOWL

OK - so I suppose you know that I'm thrilled that the Steelers trounced - er - I mean - beat the Seahawks yesterday. I was glued to the game and - of course like most of America anymore - glued to the commercials. My personal favorite was the third quarter Budweiser "Barn" commercial about the baby clydesdale who practices pulling the beer wagon (with a little help). The Budweiser "Streaker" commercial in the first quarter was hysterical as was the Fedex commercial called "Cavemen". But, if you were one of those people that used that time to visit the restroom - you can see what you missed.

AOL Sports: Best Super Bowl Commercials 2006

2006-02-03T16:25:00.000-05:00

DO YOU LOVE THEM OR FEEL SORRY FOR THEM?
I know way too many of these people. I'm not quite sure what that says about me...
Fear of Girls - Google Video

2006-02-01T14:26:00.000-05:00

AS YOU PREPARE FOR THE SUPERBOWL GAME...

Don't forget that it isn't just Pittsburgh (Go Steelers!) vs. Seattle - but the best advertising day for watching commercials. But, of all of the things I've seen so far - this is my favorite! Halftime Flush Downloads

2005-12-28T14:56:00.000-05:00

ADRIENNE TO THE RESCUE!

A good friend of mine has done what I've been trying to figure out how to do for three months now. You can read all about the experience in her article. Also be sure to click on the pictures at the bottom of the article to see what she saw...
Animal Rescue New Orleans

2005-12-20T11:17:00.000-05:00

ART BY PHIL MERKLE

A good friend and a great artist - I highly recommend him!! The first is his website the second another site who is featuring his work.

zemzellit

Artwork by Phil Merkle

2005-12-14T14:50:00.000-05:00

STILETTO HELL

To say I buy a lot of shoes is a bit of an understatement. We've since converted our second bedroom to a shoe (and handbag - but I won't get into that now) closet. When I see a cool pair of shoes - well - I just have to have them. Regardless of the fact that they don't match a damn thing in my closet. (Which then accounts for all the clothing I have to buy to match my new shoes. It really is a hellish whirlpool of need...)

Nonetheless, I REALLY love shoes. I love high heels (oh the pain!), strange patterns (and I'll wear these with what?), funky colors (now to find the right shirt...), unusual styles (hee haw!) and most importantly - BOOTS (knee-high, ankle-high, square toe, round toe)! I have paid hundreds of dollars for an awesome pair of shoes.

But...

Can someone PLEASE explain to me why these fashion designers and manufacturers that I have pledged so much of my income to (think GNP or a small third world county) will not spend another stinkin' $0.32 on some cushion beneath the ball of your foot??

Yea - I know I can buy some insoles to put in, but then they get all bunched up or they just look like crap after a few wearings. What I WANT is for the stupid manufacturers to put the pads in UNDER the insoles. If they need to charge another few bucks to do it, than so be it. But at least my little feetsies will be happy.

Now to find something to wear with my new brown, suede, knee-high boots...

2005-12-14T11:15:00.000-05:00

THE BLACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH STRIKES AGAIN!

Poor dog didn't have a chance... Perhaps others will refrain from wearing nut scented flea powder in the future.

Russian squirrel pack 'kills dog'

But they are still cute when they sit on your lap a eat nuts out of your hand! :-)

2005-11-30T13:24:00.000-05:00

SAM - MAY HE REST IN PEACE

Well, sadly Sam passed away. I'm sure he'll be greatly missed. After seeing Sam, bad hair days don't get me down so much...

SAM

2005-11-17T20:03:00.000-05:00

FOR THOSE OF US SEEKING ANSWERS - FINALLY!

All I can say is "it's about time!" Answer Me Jesus

2005-11-16T21:17:00.000-05:00

VENGEANCE IS MINE SAYETH THE DEVIL KITTY

Vengeful Scorpio

Woman Scorned

Blogger spammed

But really, I'm a nice person. Ask anyone (that still speaks to me). I'm just one of those people that believes you should repay kindness 5 fold and repay mean people 50 fold. Hey, they started it.

I guess it all started in childhood. In kindergarten, my teacher was taking us through a fingerpainting exercise. As I was easily distracted, she not-so-gently redirected me. (This was the early 70's - they were not-so-gentle then) Annoyed, I rubbed my tiny hands in the multi-colored paint and got them good and gookie. Then I got up, stood in front of her sweetly and when she started to tell me to sit down, I dragged my fingerpainty hands down the front of her dress. Needless to say that did NOT make her happy and so began the long history of me bringing notes home from my various teachers. And an even longer history of being grounded.

(And yes kiddies - this was before being grounded meant sitting in your room on your computer, watching TV with your iPod on...)

When I was in fifth grade a neighbor girl ratted me out for something trivial and I got in a lot of trouble. The next day I waited for her at the park and proceeded to drag her by her feet through a field of - er - dog bombs. She ran home screaming and crying covered head-to-toe in "do do". When I walked in the door the phone was ringing, my mother laughed too hard to really ever ground me for that one.

At age 19 my roommate and I were leaving a club. He was jumped by skinheads and beat to a pulp. While I was in the hospital with him I made a phone call. A mysterious fire broke out in the skinhead house later that night.

A few years later I found out another roommate was stealing from me. Took my credit cards, had hawked my entire coin collection (with a pretty considerable amount at the time and started when I was about four) and was basically a pathological liar. I opened the door later in the evening that I found out, and invited two very nice policemen in to handcuff him and remove him to a nice jail cell nearby. You can be damned sure that I was a witness for the prosecution.

When I was 24, a boyfriend pissed me off by going to Florida for a trip and never returning (don't ask). Three years later he literally appeared on my workplace doorstep, asking me back. After rejecting him for weeks he started to date my friends. So, I took him back. Just long enough to plan a road trip to Pittsburgh, leave him at a rest stop, and return with another boyfriend.

I don't really need to go on do I?

Since the inception of this blog I have been receiving SPAM "comments". Oh yes, dear spammers, this makes me very mad. You won't like me when I get mad...

My idea? I'm considering having a program developed that will bog their systems down with so much SPAM it will shut down their servers. I'm sure one exists already but I just need to get my hands on it. It will find the Yahoo! blocked SPAM folders from every user and just keep sending it to them. Oh yeah. I really want this. Bad. I'm sure it's illegal, wrong or impossible but I REALLY want this.

But anyhow, you get the picture. Don't piss me off.

2005-11-08T16:21:00.000-05:00

A GREAT CLUB

This is great music for dancing (and drinking) at an all round great place to go (DC9). What is really cool is that not only do they post their playlists, they post an MP3 file of the evening that you can listen to and then find it on iTunes.

Liberation Dance Party :: DC's party for new music

All places should be this cool...

2005-11-07T21:32:00.000-05:00

TIKI PARTY 2005 PICTURES

Every year we host our Annual Tiki Party. This year's photo album is finally up. Aloha!
Tiki Party 2005

2005-11-06T20:28:00.000-05:00

PARTY PHOTOS

As you can tell we had a REALLY good time. Thanks to all of you who helped me celebrate!
Jamie's 40th B-Day Bash

And, from the looks of it - Anhtu had a REALLY good time as well! Thanks for sharing your photos!

Anhtu Lu's Photos - Jamie's bday bash

2005-11-06T08:27:00.000-05:00

PUCK AT HIS FINEST

I absolutely love this picture...

2005-11-05T23:08:00.000-05:00

FUN AT 40 - PARTY SCENES

My wonderful boyfriend threw an amazing two-part party for my 40th birthday. Complete with friends, drinks, dancing and a Barbie Birthday cake - I had a fabulous time. Thank you to everyone who attended and made my evening wonderful. I personally hold you all responsible for the hangover I suffered the next day...

2005-11-03T17:08:00.000-05:00

THE SOUNDTRACK OF MY LIFE

I have had a horrible headache all day long...

Ask me why.

It's because I went to see Nine Inch Nails last night at the MCI Center and proceeded to shake my brain loose while in the process of paralyzing my neck. I seem to be one of "those people" that throw their head all around with the tempo of the music.

And if you take a moment to consider just how many of these events I've been to over the last say - 20 years - you will come to the conclusion that I most certainly have caused myself some severe brain damage, and a slight loss of hearing.

But, boy do I have a great time!!

2005-11-03T09:29:00.000-05:00

EVEN MY CATS HAVE A PAGE...

Puck is a catster.com cat! Catster :: Puck

Pixie is on catster.com too! Catster :: Pixie

And one for Fluff! Catster :: Fluff

2005-11-02T09:16:00.000-05:00

HALLOWEEN AT WINDSOR CASTLE

See our fabulous pictures from Halloween - courtesy of Chris Usher - we even made the Times!Halloween 2005 at Windsor Castle

2005-11-01T14:37:00.000-05:00

SCARING THE CRAP OUT OF CHILDREN IS FUN!

Perhaps I shouldn't feel that good about making small children burst into tears but then I think - hey, how many times have I been on an airplane with a small child screaming in my ear? Then I don't feel so bad. Is that wrong??

Let me explain.

Last night was Halloween and as I consider it a "National Fuckin' Holiday" I like to celebrate in style. Friends of ours do a "haunted house" type of trick or treat event and this year we participated in the pandemonium.

Their house sits on a corner lot and has a set of wide stairs that open up onto a large, covered porch on the left. The yard was hauntingly decorated by a series of tombstones some true - Peter Jennings - some only wishes - Paris Hilton (OK - perhaps just my dream...) but you get the picture. The yard also contained a corpse wearing saddle shoes (a 1950's cheerleader?)

The steps leading up to the house had a black coffin (complete with live body). When you got to the top of the steps you were greeted by bloody smears and spider webs, creepy music and black lights. Off to the right was a rocking chair (with live "corpse") sitting next to the candy cauldron which contained a mechanical hand that was sound activated. On the floor was yet another corpse and a dark shrouded figure (my friend Adrienne).

To add to the ambiance - like we needed an addition - was a fog machine, two dry ice tubs also generating fog of sorts, and various other live, yet gruesome creatures directing you towards candy or in some cases just reaching out towards you. Oh - and don't let me forget the knocking under the porch boards or the person standing in the window behind the candy cauldron screaming "just take the candy!" as a small child stretched their hand into the cauldron's darkness.

Well let me tell you...children screamed, adults screamed, dogs screamed - er - barked - it was a blast. However, don't get the impression we were totally heartless. We were very nice and quiet to small children and I often came down from the porch to wish them a "Happy Halloween" and give them a few sugary sweets (if only to torture their parents later).

Hundreds of children came by and - yes - five or six actually burst into tears in front of the house. Another five or six once they made it to the porch. We even saw more than one family pass us by completely while ushering their children along swiftly. We were reprimanded by one parent because his daughter began to cry. Of course I'm thinking - hey - it's not like you didn't know this was going on! His children probably even have a Playstation and a direct link to FX courtesy of good ole "protective" dad.

Nonetheless, a very large majority of the kids just had a great time getting the crap scared out of them. And I had a great time scaring the crap out of them. All in all a successful evening.

We had one boy in particular, small framed, perhaps nine years old, that was impeccably dressed like Louis Farrakhan in a three piece suit and bow tie. After the urging of his older brother who had made it through our haunted maze, he came up the steps (I was at the top) and began to negotiate with me. Yes, you read that correctly - negotiate.

His two minute speech to me went something like this:

him: "Now you gotta tell them not to scare me...I can't be scared...I just had a heart attack [gesturing to the coffin below]...I got disabilities!"

Now, I didn't get the kid's name but I'm thinking - that boy has got to go into politics!

He proceeded to negotiate his way across the rest of the porch - telling the "corpses", the cobwebs and the cauldron this fact until he plunged his arm into the cauldron and emerged victorious. I don't think he screamed but walked very quickly and as I like to say "tight cheeked" back off of the porch to continue on his way.

Yep - THAT boy is our future President.

Ahhhh...I LOVE Halloween!!

2005-10-31T16:22:00.000-05:00

I GOT IT ON eBAY!

No, seriously, I did. As I sit in my condo I think - how could we have possibly done it without eBay? We have downright purchased everything but the kitchen sink on eBay (OK - the garbage disposal but not the sink.) Here's a quick list:

Kitchen Aid Stainless Steel Dishwasher (new)
Nine-piece 1930's Art Deco Dining Room set (delivered!)
Insinkerator Garbage Disposal (new)
1950's Chandelier
Numerous 30's, 40's and 50's glassware collections
Numerous signed and numbered rock art posters (new)
Decorative 1950's Pyrex
Many retro serving pieces
Art Deco Horse Head Lamp
Books & CD's
Computer Equipment
Sterling Silver jewelry components
Art Beads
Lenox Nydia additions to my dinnerware
a new Kidney (OK - maybe I'm just exaggerating now...)

Anyhow - you get the picture right? It seems if they don't sell it on eBay - it doesn't exist. And to prove my theory I looked up: "Ghosts", "Loch Ness Monster", "Excuses" and "Proof of God". They all returned search results.

Of course, I don't think that that proves that they exist. It just proves you can buy ANYTHING on eBay.

2005-10-28T15:12:00.000-04:00

THE ACHES AND PAINS OF TURNING 29 - ER - 40

OK - so I'm not ashamed to say I'm turning 40. And unlike any other birthday I've celebrated I've been obsessed with this one for about the past 10 months. Now, I don't FEEL 40 unless you consider that I was just fitted for my first pair of reading glasses. Or that while carrying about $5,000 worth of framed art for an art auction last week I tripped and fell on my knees then side (and didn't damage a single corner) and have the bruises to show it. Or that about 3 days later I tripped in my own bedroom and fell flat on my face. Or that I wake up sore just from having sat at my desk all day long. Or that I am fighting a losing battle with my grey roots...

No - I still feel 29! You know why? It's because I still go to concerts (Nine Inch Nails!) and I still buy things that are considered trendy (platforms!) and that I still dye my hair more than one color at a time (OK - maybe that's to camouflage the grey). Or maybe it's because I can still talk "pop culture" and I mean today's pop culture and not just what happened back in the 80's.

So, I might need a little more sleep, or to stretch my knees until they pop, or to put on glasses to read but dammit I still feel young!

And you know what else?

Chances are - I still look better than you. ;-)

2005-10-12T16:32:00.000-04:00

THEY WANT ME TO WORK AND STUFF

Ok - I know it's been a long time since my last post. See - this job - well it keeps getting in the way. I have to talk to people and write things and mail things and whatnot. Apparently they think I'm here for them...

I just returned from our Annual Convention and Trade Show. For those of you that have never worked one of the events it goes something like this:

6:oo am - Show up for a staff meeting that was cancelled without anyone ever telling you. Proceed to kill time until 7:00 by daydreaming about sleeping.
7:00 am - Give out handouts
7:12 am - Remind a speaker (repeatedly) to speak INTO the microphone because the session is being recorded
7:15 am - Prop open eyelids with toothpicks
8:00 am - Collect evaluations with illegible scribble
8:12 am - Dodge annoying member
8:30 am - Try to imagine what it would be like to still be sleeping.
9:07 am - Wonder how you can be receiving enough compensation to do all of this running around and answering questions and troubleshooting and starving...
10:02 am - Try not to scream at co-worker for being an idiot
11:22 am - Dodge lecherous member
1:00 pm - Try to dodge people long enough to eat so you don't have to talk with your mouth full
1:02 pm - Send someone to the wrong room
2:43 pm - Try to figure out which room you should have been in an hour ago
3:00 pm - Answer the SAME question for the 4,765th time (that day)
3:18 pm - Dodge ugly member
3:53 pm - Reminisce about the old days when you worked in a daycare center with 12 babies under 6 months. Remember how it was easier than this...
4:07 pm - Wonder why that part of your foot hurts...and that part of your elbow...and that part of your earlobe.
4:09 pm - Begin a love hate relationship with your shoes
4:27 pm - Yell at hotel staff
5:06 pm - Dodge lecherous member again
5:09 pm - Finally make it to bathroom
6:14 pm - Wonder if you will ever get to eat dinner
7:02 pm - Flirt with cute member - try to get food from them
7:35 pm - Move boxes - anywhere but where they are right now
8:23 pm - Go to restaurant - wish that annoying staff members had their own credit cards so they could eat on thier own
8:24 pm - Listen to them bitch about everything
9:45 pm - Start to head to room - get waylayed by member who wants to discuss an important issue
10:18 pm - Try to imagine what it would be like to be sleeping
11:42 pm - Beg member to let you go to your room so you can get some sleep
12:07 pm - Got to sleep

Repeat

2005-09-12T20:42:00.000-04:00

HELPING THE SMALL FURRY ONES

Like you, I have been riveted to the TV watching the devastation (and chaos) created by Hurricane Katrina. I could go on and on about what I would have done if I lived in New Orleans. I could point fingers and postulate.

However, I figure there's enough of that going around and perhaps I'll even get around to it later. But for now, all I want to do is fix things. I want to make things better for those people and their families.

Most of all I want to make things better for the pets that were abandoned by people that in reality had no other choice. Would I have done it? I hope I'll never need to know. All I know is that we need to do what we can to help rescue them and reunite them with their families who have lost everything.

I know that not everyone agrees with this necessity. Why save the animals when it's the people that need help? Well, all I know is when you reunite someone who has lost their home and many of their loved ones - to give them back their pet is something magical. Pets help to make you feel complete. And when you have felt so out of control in such a horrific situation, getting your pet back must feel like you can once again take care of something and make at least one little part of your world right again.

Please do what you can to help these creatures. Loyal friends who can't even begin to comprehend what has happened to them, their families or their small protected worlds.

There are many ways to help:
Foster/Adopt a pet
Donate money, time or supplies to one of the many orgainizations out there - both national and local. Katrina animals are everywhere - our local group is fostering dogs right now and expecting to get more shortly.

Do what you can to make at lest one tiny creature happy again.

2005-08-27T20:24:00.000-04:00

CDs OF THE WEEK

In the car CD changer this week:
The Cynics - Great 60's style garage punk from Pittsburgh. (They're big in Germany!)
The Hives - I love these guys! I think the singer is channeling Mick Jagger.
Snake River Conspiracy - Somewhat goth and awesome! This chicks voice is captivating.
Peter Murphy - Former frontman for Bauhaus and very melodic.
Adam and the Ants - Gotta love anyone who wears face paint!
Firewater - Former frontman for Cop Shoot Cop's new band - very intense.

...and yes - the refrigerator came.

2005-08-26T10:31:00.000-04:00

THE REFRIGERATOR COMETH...AGAIN?

We left our sad sad story off a few weeks ago. Needless to say, at this point, I have still NOT experienced the dull hum of the icemaker, nor the high gloss shine of the exterior of our new refrigerator. My new baby has been moved from warehouse to warehouse, has been taken to countless strangers homes and has ridden around in the back of a truck for weeks now.

But it his still not made it to it's new home - whose occupants are awaiting with open arms, empty glasses and melting ice cream.

Nope - not yet.

As of it's last arrival date (oh - and there have been many) I was called by our sweaty delivery guy and asked to meet him downstairs - our baby had arrived!!

I quickly created a path and dressed nice (so as to make a good first impression) and ran down the hall just in time to be told by our maintenance man that the elevator was...

Out. Of. Order.

So sadly I watched my refrigerator ride away on the truck in which it came, a small tear trickling down my cheek, as I waved bye bye with my sodden hanky.

Sigh.

2005-08-25T15:01:00.000-04:00

BIRDS LIKE IT COLD
So now it seems that global warming is screwing up my bird pals. Now I'm pissed!
Animals Going Awry as Earth Warms, Scientists Say

2005-08-25T09:17:00.000-04:00

MCDONALD’S ANYONE?

You’ve been to McDonald’s before – don’t deny it cause even after the gore of Super Size Me – you still go.

Well at any rate – I do. On my way to work a few times a week I pick up an egg & cheese biscuit (no meat), a yogurt parfait and a fruit & walnut salad (breakfast, lunch and snack). I do this a few times a week so I know the cost, etc…

Well today it seems I was met on the drive-thru speaker by a newbie. I ordered my usual and it took about a full minute for her to understand “egg & cheese biscuit”. Now, it’s on their menu – it even has it’s own button on their register and prints out on the receipt.

But I’m a nice person so I bear with it and go to the pick-up window where I am promptly overcharged. Lucky me I have an old receipt in the car trash and show her how much it is supposed to cost. The price is adjusted.

I wait.

I receive my bag of stuff and depart. When I get on the road I look in the bag and BEHOLD!

No egg & cheese biscuit.

Of course because of the wacky road I am on I have to drive 2 blocks make a right, then a left, drive 4 blocks, sit at a light and make a u-turn. SO after 5-6 minutes of returning, I park, march up to the drive-thru window and ask for my egg & cheese biscuit.

She looks befuddled, disappears to the back and returns with a bag and many apologies.

No problem – I’m really running late – gotta go.

I get to my office, unpack my stuff and what did I get?

A Sausage McMuffin.

Now, I know you’re thinking “why didn’t you check before you left?”

I’ll tell you why. It’s because we in the DC area (and I’m sure other places) have become complacent with bad customer service. And I for one am sick of feeling like it is my fault for not checking, double-checking and triple-checking other peoples work.

Where did this go wrong?

For starters:
She wasn’t properly trained – seems most places with any type of customer service required hire people with a pulse and few other minimal skills.

Might I suggest the ability to count to 10? How about being able to speak clear English? Hey! When I was in Mexico I ordered EVERYTHING in Spanish. (I’m the one carrying the Berlitz book and trying to find the restroom – but I always ask in the native tongue. And in case you were wondering it is “banos”.) How about the ability to LISTEN to the customer?

She didn’t open the damn bag before she handed it to me and count to three. I ordered three things – she should make sure three things are in the bag. Period. Not hard – not asking too much.

She couldn’t read (or chose not to). Now, I should add she seemed to speak very well so I don’t think that this was a language barrier. But she did clearly hand me a yellow-wrapped sandwich that said “Sausage McMuffin” instead of a white wrapper that says “Egg & Cheese Biscuit”. Seems to ME she couldn’t read.

Hmmmmm, I could go one but I think you get the picture.

Of course this doesn’t resolve the fact that I’m still hungry.

2005-08-24T18:08:00.000-04:00

ME & MARILYN

Gentlemen might have prefered blonds back in the day but I know a few who prefer us redheads. ;-)

2005-08-24T15:24:00.000-04:00

DID YOU SAY MEAT JELL-O?

Seriously - read it! You'll be in stitches. All I can say is Meat Jell-o. MMMMMMM Institute : Gallery of Regrettable Food : Specialities

2005-08-23T11:21:00.000-04:00

THE LONE HOUSE FINCH

I'm sure you all waiting for the final bird report. This little guy finally left the nest (with some friendly urging) in the afternoon of August 6th. Which is a good thing since we were hosting our annual tiki party that evening and he was sure to be annoyed by all of the foot traffic (and obnoxious drink garnishes). Of couse, I should probably mention that a few moments later his parents came back and screamed at me until I went back in the house.

I wish I could speak bird.

2005-08-14T00:47:00.000-04:00

THE COLD SIDE OF REFRIGERATOR OWNERSHIP

So, WAY back in June the SO and I thought that it would be nice to finally treat ourselves to a new refrigerator. Our current one is circa ’84 and is the color of an anemic banana – not quite yellow, not quite white. Since we’ve made so many spiffy upgrades to the kitchen we also thought it would be nice to finally complete one whole room of the house.

So off we marched to Sears to pick out a lovely black model with a bottom drawer freezer and a few more cubic feet of space to stash our Yeungling and freeze pops. I should mention before we did this, we armed ourselves with internet research on the best pricing, best features, best brands! So there we are – standing in front of the icebox of our (affordable) dreams. (No honey, we can’t have the one with the computer – how about an ice maker instead??)

“We would like this one” we say enthusiastically.

“We’re sorry, that one has been discontinued” they retort. (But I’m standing here looking at it??) “But we have another model number that is the same thing – would you like it?”

So after finagling a free icemaker (installed!) we agree.

The happy shiny salesgirl does our paperwork and after about an hour of creative financing (half cash – half no interest credit) we were told we would have our new behemoth delivered to our door in three weeks.

Three weeks? But you have our money now! Why three weeks?

FINE! Three weeks it is. We will expect our new baby on July 26. (I can feel that labor pains already!)

So, two weeks later (as goes the story of our lives) the phone rings and we are told that delivery will be delayed yet another week. We should expect our now aging baby on August 4. (It’s a good thing we didn’t jump the gun and get rid of our old one yet!)

After some screaming and yelling by SO they offer us a “loaner”. NO WE DON’T WANT A DIFFERENT ONE – WE WANT OURS!!!

Along about August 3rd we receive yet another call that it has been delayed once again and to expect it on the 9th. On the 5th we received a call that it wouldn’t arrive until the 16th. So at this point we ask ourselves:
Has this refrigerator been invented yet?
Did the patent fall through?
Did the young underpaid manufacturing children go on strike?
Did they forget to attach the ice maker?
Did it “fall off the truck”?
Is some woman in Albuquerque using my new refrigerator?
How can Sears sell you something and not be able to figure out when they can deliver it to you???

So, disgruntled, we call our original happy shiny salesgirl and chew her a new – er – exit. She offers that for our inconvenience we will be refunded 10 percent of the purchase price back to our card. Yippee! So now we continue to wait for our refrigerator – 10 percent richer.

If that phone rings again and it ain’t a sweaty delivery guy...

2005-08-03T09:20:00.000-04:00

ONE DOWN...

August 3 - One has left the nest! I can only hope it was a successful flight! Three to go...

2005-08-03T08:45:00.000-04:00

I SINK SHE IS BROKE

So, in the long list of home repairs that took place over the summer we chose to update our bathrooms. As a condo dweller one becomes very adept at scheduling any home repair job. Due to a shortage of extra space, if you don’t time things right you may end up sleeping with the old toilet. As a result, home repairs end up a sort of choreographed waltz with new parts arriving as old parts leave, etc…which is why it really screws things up when deliveries are delayed, lost or broken.

We had to special order a sink, because somehow, like the rest of our unit, nothing is a standard size. I have had to special order virtually everything from the furnace filters (by the dozen - only $15 a piece) to the window coverings because NOTHING is a standard size.

Nonetheless we trudged into our not-so-local home improvement giant to order our special sink. If we didn’t actually ever need to close the bathroom door this wouldn’t be an issue but Jon has this weird thing about privacy…

Anyhow, we order this faux granite pentagon shaped sink – because hey – if it’s got to be special ordered it may as well be “special”. Two weeks later, as scheduled, we receive a call to come and pick it up. So we drive all the way back out to the not-so-local home improvement giant once again to claim our overpriced prize.

“Wait here and we’ll have someone bring it up – it’ll be about ten minutes.”

Forty-five minutes later our sink arrives. When we open the box we are dismayed to see that the bottom of the sink – near the drain – has a chunk missing out of it. Now, I’m no plumber but I can see that this 2 inch missing chunk is going to cause a problem. So I tell the special orders person about this.

They say “don’t worry, the drain will cover it.”

Again, I’m no expert but – uh – how in the hell big do they think the drain is anyway?? So we grudgingly march back to the faucet department where we purchased our work of art a few weeks ago and grab a drain, bring it back up front and show the guy – it ain’t gonna cover squat.

He then proceeds to tell us we need to take it back to the bathroom department and have them reorder a new one.

We go back to find the gentleman who originally placed the order and told him the problem – he took care of the reorder lickity split and we returned home only to have to return in TWO MORE WEEKS to pick up the sink again.

Two weeks later – the call comes in – we once again drive to our not-so-local home improvement giant to claim the sink. As before we wait – oh – 45 minutes for them to bring it up. We open the box…

It’s two-toned. That means the sink bowl is a different color than the rest of the sink. Not how we ordered it, nor how the first one came. But as you can see we are now WAY OFF SCHEDULE so I say “what the hell” and we keep the sink. (Did I mention that the vanity cabinet has been adorning our living room for the past two weeks?)

Later that day we install the sink and discover that the drain is crooked. The hole was drilled at a slight angle causing the drain piece to form a not-so-perfect seal. I refuse to go back. I hate this sink.

Jon being the wonderful plumber he is (or used to be) rigs it so it works and you can BARELY tell it’s crooked. But I know…

About two-three weeks pass and this sink mocks me daily.

One day, we get a call from our not-so-local home improvement giant once again. “Your sink is in.”

WHAT THE @#%#@&% ????

Who is the imposter in our bathroom? Has it been watching us?? Has is been radioing notes to its mother ship??

So, Jon drives all the way back out to the not-so-local home improvement giant (because I REFUSE to go) and tells the special orders desk that he’s there for his sink.

Forty-five minutes later the man comes back and says “We can’t find it. We are really sorry. But we’ll call you when we find it.”

Jon (whose temper is much shorter than mine) is NOT happy. He demands to cancel the order and get his money back. In fear of their lives, they give it back.

We got a new entertainment center.

2005-08-02T10:03:00.000-04:00

HOW PC ARE YOU?

I am part of a discussion group for association executives. A very interesting question came up regarding the title of a chapter of a book someone was writing about asphalt. It seems the author wanted to name the chapter "The First Black Superhighways" and the association exec wanted to run it by her peers to check the PC factor of the title.

Well people chimed in from all over citing why it would or could offend and how it should be changed. It was a very interesting discussion about being politically correct in everything we do. As I read the numerous postings it made me sad to see how we as a society have become so offended at everything.

Here was my posting:

I too have been following this discussion with some interest. I am the Treasurer of a very large condo board with a very multi-cultural community and I feel frustrated when I am writing (or speaking) and I have to sensor every word said - or at least view with such a critical eye that I am almost convinced that anything I say (or do for that matter) is going to offend someone.

I think as a society we've taken it too far frankly. And when I get frustrated by something that seems to continue to compound itself I step back and I think - we have to look at it from another point of view entirely.

In most cases it seems to me that the problem lies with the listener (or observer). So my question would be: How do we as a culture "listen" with the best intentions instead of the worst? Obviously if everyone walks through life assuming that someone is out to get them, they are going to read negativity into everything they see or hear. This goes for every race, culture, religion, socio-economic status, etc...

How do we as listeners begin to assume the best instead of the worst?
And since when did it become my job as a writer, speaker, etc to try to interpret how you are going to interpret what I am trying to say when I am saying it with the best of intentions?

Oh so far off topic...

So...I am not referring to obviously offensive things but really now - at face value how offensive is: "The First Black Superhighways"??

So, now I pose the question to you.

2005-07-30T09:19:00.000-04:00

MOM AND DAD

I should give credit to the proud parents who been working overtime to keep these kids fed and safe. I might also mention they scream at me if I spend too much time on my balcony. They don't know how good they have it!

2005-07-29T11:09:00.000-04:00

The finished product!

2005-07-29T09:55:00.000-04:00

THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF CABINET PAINTING – PART 2

So once again we return to Lowe’s (I know this store ALMOST as well as Home Depot) to get our paint. Besides the fact that regardless of what we need to get the process still takes at least an hour – we manage to get in and out with no major mishaps.

Happily we return home – new shiny metallic colors in hand – ready to embark upon our redecorating journey.

But first we must sand our pockmarked beauties into conformity thereby creating a fine layer of dust that proceeds to cover every square inch of living space we have – all 987 square inches of it! Then we must putty fill all of the cracks and crevices that display their old age – which I might add all of the sudden makes our kitchen seems huge cause it takes hours to do all of this.

So now – armed with our brushes – we can begin to change their colors. Of course this all begins with primer – TWO very labor intensive coats that seem to keep getting sucked into the moisture starved wood. And by this point our VERY helpful felines have begun to see what they can do to make the process go faster.

You see the problem with condo dwelling is that you don’t have many options for separating your living spaces – or your pets – from the rest of the place. So as Puck and Pixie run in and out of the open and empty cabinets they are actually helping to add their own “bodily offerings” (i.e. fur) to the paint. We will later refer to this process as “texturing” and all of our friends will be impressed by our mad skills.

The other thing I should have mentioned is that it is 94 degrees outside and will be this temperature all weekend. Our “workshop” also referred to as “the balcony” (and occasionally “the dining room”, “the reading room” or “the sun room”) gets the lovely afternoon rays so while exercising our arms (paint on – paint off) we can also work on our tans. (Also adding a lot of realism to the term “blood, sweat and tears” as we do have actual sweat and I believe a few tears mixed into our paint.)

So…minutes, hours and days later or in painter’s terms – seven coats of paint later – we achieve success. Well – er – that’s to say that the cabinets are painted.

Of course the doors are still scattered around our abode, the cats still have paint on their little ears and we have been tracking newspaper print all over our floors – but hey – we have painted cabinets.

Mission complete!

2005-07-28T12:58:00.000-04:00

A PANICKY NEW GRAMMA

So, I assume you've been keeping up with (or have been bored to tears by) the birth of our baby birds.

Well the other night we had a terrible storm. Trees blowing, rain flowing and the hanging basket with our fine feathered friends, swinging.

As rivulets of water streamed down our windows I stood with my face pressed and fear in my eyes watching the basket wildly swing. Jon (my loving and supporting SO) gently reminded me that I was being a moron and to get the hell away from the window and make him a turkey pot pie. (OK - kidding about the turkey pot pie.) Nature would take care of itself.

Well, I'm happy to report that the granbabybirds are doing just fine and seemed to have weathered the storm. (No doubt due to my piling up of towels under the nest to break any unfortunate falls.)

I can't wait until they leave for college...

2005-07-27T09:12:00.000-04:00

SAY CHEESE!

July 27 - I think this one is beginning to like having his picture taken!

2005-07-26T17:25:00.000-04:00

THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF CABINET PAINTING - PART ONE

So there we sat staring at our ugly kitchen cabinets. They seemed to make the rest of the kitchen sad – just sitting there with their dull, pocked brown wooden coats. There was our new kitchen counter looking perky with its fauxed-granite goodness, and our stainless steel appliances looking very industrial and strong, and the shiny metal of the stainless steel sink (deep enough to rinse a dish in!) and goose-necked faucet gleaming to perfection and the brand new brushed nickel track lights that made you think gourmet chef. (Hey – I can boil noodles!)

And those cabinets. Ugh. They have these tarnished brass fixtures that look like they were forged by some crack addicted medieval metal smith. Oh – but not the cool kind of medieval look. No – these are the 70’s revival look that best complimented double-wide mobile homes. (Which begs the question – exactly how mobile is a double- or even triple-wide mobile home? But I digress…)

Very sad these cabinets are. So off to the internet we trekked to find out about cabinet refacing. Very costly. I can get NEW cabinets for that price!

Did I mention that I can touch the entire kitchen from one spot?

Then we trudged to Ikea to pick up a groovy catalog with little kitchen cutouts of how you would like your cabinets to be. I could have a pantry! I could have fun colors with glass doors! I could be a hip suburban kitchen dweller! I don’t have $5,000!

Sigh.

I know! We can paint them!! We can have an entirely new kitchen for only $200!

So – off we trudged to Lowe’s for paint. As we stood in line with our very hip metallic paint chips (hey we only need to clean and primer the cabinets and put on a two coat process – how hard could this be?) I flipped through a kitchen upgrade magazine and approached the paint clerk nursing a full-on case of kitchen envy.

Of course, if we paint the cabinets we have to get new hinges – right. (I mean we can’t use the odd forged brass that accompanied the blindness inducing fixtures – right?) And now we need a “touch-sensor” dimmer switch for our groovy new lights. And a….

Oh yeah – paint. They’re out of our colors. We have to come back next week.

2005-07-25T09:07:00.000-04:00

July 25 - STILL GROWING although i think we lost one. I haven't seen five for a few days. I thought he was just hidden but...RIP.

2005-07-24T09:06:00.000-04:00

July 24 - STILL SLEEPING- their eyes aren't really open yet.

2005-07-22T09:49:00.000-04:00

BABY BIRD BEDTIME

July 22 - These little buggers sleep a LOT!

2005-07-21T09:49:00.000-04:00

BABY BIRDS GROWING

July 21 - Still kicking!

2005-07-21T09:19:00.000-04:00

SAVE A HORSE

A great site with a wonderful cause! THE ANIMALI FARM

2005-07-20T09:48:00.000-04:00

BABY BIRD UPDATE

July 20 - all is well!

2005-07-19T20:58:00.000-04:00

BABY BIRDS BORN

Yep - I'm a gramma! We have 5 fuzzheads in the world right now. I'll keep posting pictures of their progress. I'm so proud! They began to hatch yesterday and the rest are out today.

I've gotta go now - I have a preschool interview first thing in the AM - you gotta plan these things early you know!

Do you suppose the school lunch program supplies seed?

2005-07-19T13:49:00.000-04:00

CRAZY CAT COLLECTOR

So the more I hear about things like this: Police Want Va. Courts To Block Cat Owner I think to myself - how does this happen?

Do you not notice when you can no longer breathe due to the smell of decomposing bodies and amonia? Do you fail to recognize the fact that you can no longer see your floor? Didn't you at one point run out of catfood?

What the hell is wrong with these people?

2005-07-18T19:24:00.000-04:00

THE FUZZHEADS ARE COMING!

This is from July 18 - three fuzzheads so far...

2005-07-15T20:44:00.000-04:00

Our Cats: Pixie and Puck in Full Cuddle

2005-07-15T20:34:00.000-04:00

ROCK ART ISN'T JUST FOR FREAKS

So, one of my hobbies is collecting rock art. Here are two of my favorite sites:

The Shame of Rock and Roll

Freak Show Art